Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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