That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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