I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
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