I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
