glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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