fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
