thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
