Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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