The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
