Will you blow on my dice?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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