My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
