I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
