ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
