She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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