Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
is that a dick in a sweater?
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