around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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