life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
