Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
