the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
