6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
