My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
