tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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