I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
