this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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