just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
