ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
