News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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