Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize