Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
3pm strippers are depressing
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
