I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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