I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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