I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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