you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
