Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You took a bar mat shot.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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