come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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