she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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