dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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