Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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