I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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