Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
