I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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