Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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