i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
