I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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