We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
