Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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