Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
should my penis look like a turkey
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
