I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize