Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
