Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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