So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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