he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
