My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
