I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
my liver is dry heaving
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
