nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
