The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
