Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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