if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
