No stitches, just platelets and will power
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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