Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize