Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
