I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize