i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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