The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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