Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
