I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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