When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
