I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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