i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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